Relationship Advice About:
How Much Independence is TOO Much Independence?

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Good Independence versus
Bad Independence!

By Darrell V. Freeman, M.A., Relationship Advice Coach
There is good independence and bad independence. People, who choose to be independent and to do their thing with others outside of the relationship don’t need to be in committed relationships.

My Key Relationship Advice about Independence: Marriage is not for independence! A committed relationship is not for independence. What destroys good relationships are the people who have always wanted to be independent or decide in midstream to be independent but tried to get married or committed just to see if it would work (admittedly or un-admittedly – knowingly or unknowingly.

Some Blunt Relationship Advice About a Sad Reality: The sad thing about that is when your partner committed for the long haul they did not make plans for you to quit. So the question could be asked, can halfhearted or deceptive relationships work? Sure they can, as long as the truth stays hidden and it sounds or looks somewhat believable! I mean come on, only a few people out there today enjoy or get a kick out of saying to their partner: "I hate you, I don't love you, you don't mean anything to me, you can't do anything for me, I'm sorry we ever went as far as we did, I wish I never met you, leave me alone, don't touch me, I've had better than you many, many times, and get a life".

Just know that these individuals are also reaching, trying, feeling, testing, with some degree or truth, pain, fear, uncertainty, anger, and may want to just release some steam or get away from the person who is being blamed for making them feel that way.

No matter what, once you put words out there they are hard to retrieve and to take back. But someone who loves you and that you love will try and many times with success to move on despite what has been said and what has been done.

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Relationship Advice about the Good Part of Independence: There is nothing wrong with independence as long as it is not spiteful, damaging and to prove that you can be independent and that you will do it no matter what. Many people can survive and make it on their own but making it on your own is not the problem.

Can you make it with someone, survive with someone, go beyond your previous inability and use the glue that lasts and will last for the long haul? What people are missing or missed in life all of the independence in the world will never help you to get or retrieve because that period of time in your life is over, past-tense. Today, it should be about moving into the person that you are today and will be tomorrow based on who God created you to be and shaped you to be. In other words, your True Self made in the image and likeness of God, designed to have and go get everything God in his love wants you to have.

Here's a beautiful picture of what a relationship should look like:

Genesis 1:28 (NIV)
28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."

What a beautiful picture of a man and a woman not only loving each other but having children, bearing fruit, ruling the earth together as King and Queen, blessed by God himself. They each have their part to play, but they are working in harmony. Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!

Independence by definition means that you have decided that you will not be controlled by another. Therefore, you can be self-sufficient, rely on yourself and concentrate on your own individuality and freedom. When you feel like you are being controlled it is possible that you need to check yourself out because it may be more of what you don’t want to happen than what is really happening in your life.

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When Independence is a Relationship Killer

Independence is a relationship killer because people tend to want it for the wrong reasons, misguided reasons, and to validate something that could possibly be validated with the partner that they are with. When you decide to make a point with or to your partner, try not to stick her or him in the wrong places. Just make your point and like chips, let the hurt fall where it may because early hurt is better than later hurt. One woman went to a therapist and the therapist said, “there is only one problem with this situation; your partner should have left you when he first realized this, not after being with you all of those years and with a house full of children later."

Today, we live in a world whereby people are heartless and have little to no feelings for other people at all. I remember a song when I was growing up that went, "It's Your Thing, Do What You Want to Do!" The only problem is that oftentimes your thing affects others and what you want to do ends up causing hardship and much pain to others. People rarely consider the child or children anymore; nowadays it is all about them.

This is called in counseling terms being self-absorbed. To be self-absorbed suggests that nothing and no one is more important than you but in a very selfish way. And further more everything that you do is for you, about you, to please you, to make you happy and other people just have to live with it and live with you or take a hike. This kind of person doesn't make for a good committed relationship and definitely not marriage.

Why commit to a relationship when you don't want to be in a committed relationship? Why get married if you want to be single? Why make people join your selfish thoughts and ways? Why hook up when you know that you will eventually book up? Don't fool yourself; to say that you tried knowing that a full commitment wasn’t there from the start is playing games within your self. Independence should be said, discussed, acknowledged and worked on early and prior to a committed relationship because your partner deserves that. I can't give you "relationship advice" if it's not truly a "relationship" that you want!

Anything less is a relationship crime and should be punishable by conscious, active guilt and what a person refuses to admit; namely that independence works for those who are their own authorities and should not be thrown or forced onto the life of one's partner.

Some relationship advice for independent people who hurt and wound others: What goes around is almost back at ya! Like ricochet or a circle it comes right back to you except it won't feel good when it is you. Yes, you are entitled to your independence! Yes, you are entitled to your feelings about independence! Yes, you can do anything that you want to do when and where you want to do it but you have no right to put people into your little tiny world of living a self-absorbed life without giving them a heads-up like: this is what I am, this is what I have done before I met you or have the potential to do, this is what I plan to do (if you are planning it), or this is just me and I don't intend to let you or anyone else stop me from being who I am.

I think that sometimes people in general need to go to therapy just to learn more about themselves not from just what they think they are and what they think they will or won't do but to allow the therapist from the conversation to help them to know and to accept what potentially might happen and how and why the therapist thinks that way about you.

Some people "know so much" that they cannot even help themselves, simply because they are to close to themselves to figure out what other people can see. Things don't look the same when you are right up on them or when they are to close to your face; but move them back some and you can really see them for what they really are.

The real you can make or break a relationship of commitment. Here is an admittedly strong statement: To commit to independence or an independent lifestyle after you are involved in a relationship of commitment is literally equivalent to pirating someone's life and future. It is much kinder to the other person and has more integrity with who you really are (or at least where you are really at right now) to think ahead of time about how ready you are for real commitment vs. making an unspoken and deliberate temporary commitment!

The articles on our site give you some great relationship advice (if we don't say so ourselves!) But for our advanced relationship advice that can truly change your life and put your relationship-building efforts into "high gear", you want to watch our 8-Lesson video master course: Relationship Makeover!